When love becomes work – and why that's exactly where true connection begins
- Vanessa Stefanie Schindlbeck
- Mar 17
- 4 min read
Many couples eventually reach a point where they ask themselves:
Why does a relationship sometimes feel so difficult, even though we love each other?
Perhaps you know this feeling: You've found each other, fallen in love, had high hopes. And yet, conflicts, misunderstandings, or emotional distance arise.
What many people don't know: Relationships rarely fail due to a lack of love. They fail because of unconscious patterns we carry with us from our past.
That's exactly what I'm writing about in my new book, which will be published soon. It's about relationships, attachment, emotional maturity, and how two people can truly grow together.
Today I would like to give you an insight into the central ideas from the prologue, chapter 1 and chapter 2 – without delving too deeply into the theory, but with impulses that can help you as a couple immediately.
A relationship doesn't begin with your partner – it begins with you.
Most people believe they are looking for a partner. In reality, they are looking for a feeling.
Safety. Being seen. Being understood. Belonging.
But many people also carry unconscious experiences from their childhood within them. Experiences that influence how we love . If we don't understand this, we often don't react to the person in front of us – but to old patterns.
This is evident, for example, in typical relationship dynamics:
Fear of loss
Fear of intimacy
Withdrawal or Clinging
emotional overreactions
Misunderstandings in the argument
These are not "character flaws." They are learned attachment strategies .
And this is precisely where true relationship competence begins.
The three attachment patterns that shape relationships
In psychology, three basic attachment tendencies are often discussed.
1. Anxious attachment
People with an anxious attachment style often have a great fear of being abandoned.
The inner thought is often: "If I give enough, love enough and achieve enough, I will be loved."
This can be demonstrated by:
strong need for validation
Jealousy or control
emotional dependency
Fear of not being good enough
This dynamic often arises when closeness was not consistently available during childhood.
2. Avoidant attachment
Avoidant people often also crave connection – at the same time, closeness triggers stress.
The inner thought is often: "If someone gets too close to me, I will lose my freedom."
Typical patterns include:
emotional withdrawal
Distance after intense moments
Fear of commitment
Keep back doors open
Here, too, a form of fear of loss is usually the underlying cause – but fear of losing oneself rather than being abandoned .
3. Secure attachment
Secure attachment does not mean that there are no conflicts.
Safe couples:
can talk about feelings
regulate themselves emotionally
They support each other
experience closeness as pleasant, not as a threat.
Closeness feels nice – but it's not essential for survival.
And this is precisely the goal of emotional development.
Why relationships sometimes feel so intense
Many people mistake emotional intensity for true love.
In fact, intense dynamics often arise from an interplay of proximity and distance.
From a psychological perspective, this pattern acts similarly to a reward system in the brain .
When closeness is repeatedly interrupted, it creates a kind of emotional roller coaster.
This dynamic can feel like passion – but is often more of a sign that the nervous system is highly activated.
A true connection often feels very different: calmer, clearer, more secure.
Sometimes even unusually quiet.
But this very tranquility is the foundation for stable love.
The body often knows earlier than the mind.
An important aspect in relationships is our nervous system.
When we feel threatened – emotionally or mentally – the body reacts automatically.
Typical reactions include:
Fight (anger, attack)
Escape (retreat, distance/flight)
Frozen (emotional numbness/freeze)
These reactions make evolutionary sense. They were originally intended to protect us from danger.
Today, however, they are often triggered by thoughts, memories, or relationship situations .
Therefore, an important relationship compass is not just what you think – but what your body feels.
A true connection often brings a feeling of inner peace .
When conflict actually means something else
Many conflicts in relationships superficially revolve around small things:
the dishes, a message, a remark
But often, a deeper emotional pain lies beneath.
Perhaps it's actually about:
Fear of not being seen
Fear of not being important
Fear of being abandoned
When couples begin to recognize this level, communication changes completely.
Conflict then no longer becomes a fight against each other – but an invitation to understand each other better.
A relationship is not a place to lose yourself.
One of the most important ideas in my upcoming book is this:
A healthy relationship gives you so much peace and security that you can feel yourself more strongly.
When your nervous system is calm, space is created for:
creativity
personal development
Clarity about values and goals
true intimacy
A good relationship doesn't make you smaller.
It makes you freer .
The uncomfortable truth about relationships
Many people desire a happy partnership – without truly reflecting on themselves.
But this doesn't work in the long run.
At some point, there's no way around asking yourself:
Which samples should I bring?
What fears influence my behavior?
Where do I relinquish responsibility?
Where am I allowed to grow?
This job can be uncomfortable.
But at the same time, it is the key to a relationship that is not only romantic – but truly sustainable.
A little reflection question for you as a couple
Take a moment and ask each other:
"Do I feel mostly calm and secure in our relationship – or rather tense and on guard?"
This question can reveal a surprising amount about your dynamics.
An outlook
In my upcoming book, I will delve even deeper into these topics.
It is about, among other things:
emotional maturity in relationships
Understanding and changing attachment patterns
genuine intimacy instead of drama
the balance between closeness and freedom
and about how two people can grow together
My wish is that relationships not only function – but become spaces where both people can truly flourish.
Because in the end, it's not about finding the perfect partner.
It's about creating a conscious connection together.
Together with my partner, I coach couples who long for more connection and love. You are not alone, we are happy to help.
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